Monthly Archives: December 2019

you tell me yours, I’ll tell you mine

Do you remember Sleeping Beauty ?  That the royal parents of some long ago land had a little girl so they invited all the fairies to come and bring gifts for her christening. But (these things will happen – be warned), they forgot a notoriously difficult one, who turned up in a terrible temper. She cursed the child, so that if she ever pricked her finger, she would got to sleep forever or until wakened by the kiss of a handsome prince – well, any kind of prince really – but in these stories, he is always handsome, just as she is always beautiful – and he has a hard time getting to her. We’re human, we need these stories.

We have reached the stage where a national newspaper can run a piece entitled Shunning Christmas and I don’t think this is disagreeable. It just doesn’t fit into the writer’s life and I have more regard for someone who declines the whole thing than those who have surrounded me for the last several weeks, laden with debt and parcels, grinning over the grinding of teeth, subscribing to every kind of excess – and not really enjoying it. Seriously not inspiring.

I mourn the passing of the story. It is a wonderful story of flight and survival, poverty not lack, three grandfathers instead of two (the kings), so-called “ordinary” people (the shepherds and the innkeeper), angels and animals, light (the star) and time out of time, a sense of the clock stopped, as it often is when a baby is born. In old Northern European tradition, on Christmas Eve, the animals can speak to each other and I love the idea of the ox pushing hay towards the tired donkey, saying in the voice of a crusty but kind former soldier “Eat up, old man, you look quite done in …” And the birds muttering about it all, where they shelter in the back of the stable. It is of course at least frosty and ideally snowing a bit because that accentuates the idea of gently muffled clear quiet.

There is a new version of Scrooge on tv and a new version of Little Women in the cinema, both of which are the archetypal fairy tales for slightly older children, is it too much to hope that next year some writer will get his or her teeth into reinventing the Christmas story for its human magic which has nothing to do with glittering technology and everything to do with hope ?   God knows, you don’t have to look far for refugees, or people in flight from an unfriendly regime (among our nationals, too) and a clean outhouse with a door to shut and warmth inside would be heaven indeed to most of them.   And enough to eat, just for a while … till you travel and try again.

Some time ago there was a fashion for angels who were always with you which is not terrible appealing to anyone as twitchy as me.   But I do have Christmas fairies, who unfailingly, just as I falter, come through for me.

A very tall good looking one went past my door sometime in early hours, going home through South London, after late radio work – and left a small package and a card on my front step.

A woman who is good with her hands, who had made a living out of painting and restoring and making jewellery, whom I would never have met if I hadn’t started a conversation in the street, has sent me a package to wait until Christmas Day.

My friend Snowdrop gave me something to wait for, when he went off to see his brother in Australia.

And , less tangibly, a few nights’ ago I sat next to a pretty woman with shining hair, attractively rounded, becomingly dressed. I opened my mouth and shut it again. I do sometimes. But as we got off the bush we spoke in a different connection – and then I paid my compliment. She stopped in the street and looked at me. “Me ?”   Her husband has just left her telling her she was old and plain and fat. We stood in the street while I explained projection. We’ll meet next year. The stories change, but there are always stories.

And there will be more from 7 January 2020 – and in the meantime, I wish you every good thing.

“…and these are only melons!”

the morning after

I am breaking my own rule about starting with a positive but let me just say this and then I promise to hold my peace. Campaigning must be positive as in “Get Brexit done” which really means “Vote for me !” rather than “Don’t vote for him/her/Brexit.” Nicola Sturgeon made it work in Scotland too. It may be economical with the truth but it is easier to get your head round.

OK, the election is over. If the Blond has any small self knowledge, he must admit what those many worn faces told the cameras “I didn’t vote for Boris Johnson. I voted against Jeremy Corbyn.”   Without such unsatisfactory opposition, BJ wouldn’t have got his mandate. And if BJ endorses another three years of being held to ransom by what the Conservative Party does and doesn’t want, instead of what the country needs, it will come unravelled pretty fast. The Liberal Party must recognise that trying to make a national policy out of ignoring a legally acknowledged referendum was never going to fly.   And the ruthlessness of mass media when you’re fronted by a Head Prefect with a voice of tin. God bless the Greens and the Independents, more power to you.

“I thought you’d like the colours”

I am weary of elections conducted like a football match – here the Blues, here the Reds and guess who is the football ?

You may not care who I don’t care about but -Stanley Johnson (who cares ?) – says “Here’s to a Brexit free Christmas !”   Here’s to a Stanley Johnson free Christmas. Send Nigel Farage away – send him to the US (poor devils, haven’t they got problems enough of their own ?) Send him anywhere, just – send him away. And McDonnell.   Retire McCluskey, the underwriting union man. Diane Abbott has held her seat so we must suppose she is OK in constituency – fine, let’s keep her out of the national press. Tidings of comfort and joy ? I’ll settle for a breathing space.

Two journalists were briefed to write about why we should give up Christmas cards – the expense, the bother, the stamps, the waste (pretty rich when you consider the proportion of junk mail) … but every year, without fail, I hear from somebody unexpectedly.   And I do it too, write to somebody I have lost touch with, to say good luck and God Bless.   Casting bread on the waters …

I wouldn’t attempt to write them all in one fell swoop. I have friends who sit like dutiful children at home work, writing and stamping over a hundred cards. My list is much shorter and each card requires something personal of me. If not personal, why bother ? Christmas is personal. If it isn’t personal, it’s a short break and a marketing opportunity.   And yes, I can field Christmas memories along with the best of them – but every Christmas brings me something new. If you are not going to go on learning, life isn’t much fun.

Forget the internet, I did my shopping by foot because I have to look and it brings me unexpected pleasures as well as the curled lip at horrid ugliness and expense. And a lot of what I call “almost” – the right colour but the wrong shape, the right shape in poor quality, the endless reflection “Really? Am I sure ?” and the golden rule – when in doubt, don’t.

It is infuriating that you can’t write and say “Well done !” though there is a complaints system laid down at the ready.   I tried six times to reach the producer of Vienna Blood (BBC2) and eventually wrote him snail mail. It won’t get to him, the BBC don’t care about the licensees, we just pay the rent.   And even what was last year a small outfit sending (very good) flowers by mail now has a whole procedure which is more trouble than it’s worth to fight through to say how pleased you are.

Next Saturday is the winter solstice, the shortest day and I have one Christmas present waiting (from Snowdrop who is in Aus) and although I am fascinated by the psychology of 20 houses with wreaths on the door and rubbish in the front garden, that’s their gardens not mine. My percolator works, my ankle is better, I had an editor who used to say “Onward and upward !”   I’ll settle for onward.

” Lulworth Cove by Chris Kotsiopoulos”

…those perinativity blues

You always know when Christmas is coming because every price you can see goes up and there is nothing to watch on television. Never privy to a programming meeting, I imagine there is a sense of defeat in terrestrial television which just gets passed on to the poor licencees in the form of the same films and the same programmes, over and over, for some weeks, until The Big Day is in sight. Then they pull out the stops and give us Glenda Jackson in a one off drama which had better be good. Not that I have misgivings about Glenda: I have seen her on stage, interviewed her and met her as an MP and she is All Right. Which is more than you can say for all sorts of other people.

And incidentally in a severely underhyped three part series on BBC2 called Vienna Blood (not the finest script but mostly finely played by actors I have never heard of

“the wonderful Amelia Bullmore”

and a cabaret singer in Ep.1 to beat Deitrich, Lenya and Lemper into the proverbial cocked hat) there was the most chillingly effective evocation of anti-semitism. And I haven’t seen it mentioned anywhere. Does this mean people don’t notice or don’t care ? And hooray for the thoughtful and emancipated Muslims who offered their sympathy and said they too experienced reaction against them and nobody seemed to care.

When I enquire after Ginny’s health (real friend, fake name) she involves peri menopause. That’s the time of build up to the change of life. I’ve hijacked the prefix because however much I like Christmas and for all sorts of reasons, getting there ie the peri bit gets tougher and tougher in the sense of a mouthful of frankly stringy something (I would say meat but with vegan being one of those omnipresent invocations of the present time, maybe I should say palm hearts – which I only ate once and seemed to spend weeks removing from my dentistry.)

Perinativity means £20 for a bunch of rowan (“silly money, Anna” said the flowerseller, money he’ll take because he’ll get it.) Perinativity means you can’t get what you want to buy for anybody you care about except what the retailers want to sell you. A quiet day (a Tuesday) in Portobello offered a constructive step on the long road towards fulfilling a project for my son and “sales of work” (especially if they can find an appealing name) will flourish this year, because that’s where those of us who care will hope to find “smalls” – interesting individual gifts for a price we can afford.

The internet may have dented retail but retail hasn’t helped itself. You go into these enormous stores and they are full of too much for too much, much of it badly made, gimcrack and ugly. Everybody is fed up, the air is stale with entitlement and the gap between the sellers and the buyers, and you know well that whatever you’re looking at will be knocked down in the sales which inevitably follow, whether pre or post Christmas. Whole floors of stores are empty in London but the craft sale I went to yesterday (run by Selvedge, hooray for Polly Leonard and her elves) was busy and enthusiastic, in talk, look and sales.

Perinativity means that, unless I am very fortunate, I won’t find anybody in the NHS who can advise me on whether I have an infection or have just inherited tissue paper nails from my mother. Properly trained and interested dermatologists are provided privately – if you can scare up several hundred pounds. However the best shampoo I found this year (and ecologically acceptable in

composition and packing) costs £5 – Sheen – on line after the shop in which I found it closed after a couple of months. I haven’t tried any other shampoo bars – they’re all much pricier and I like this one -but I fear they may be a coming thing – which means the price will vault.

Last night I thought with renewed affection of the dermatologist I visited 35 years ago with a rash where I had abreacted to a range of cosmetics. It wasn’t a great matter but it was stubborn and wouldn’t clear. “Milk” he said “out of the fridge on clean cotton wool.” Still works.

treat

When you live on a restricted income (like many of us) a constant internal dialogue goes on between you and yourself. It features phrases like “wait a bit”, “why not ?”, “just this once …” and “you’re a long time dead.” Anything to do with money in this sense is highly emotional. Your cheap isn’t my cheap, my pricey isn’t yours. You can be good with money and not very good at enjoying yourself. You can have a wonderful sense of living in the moment and never plan for the taxman whose arrival in your life is as inevitable as night follows day.

I remember a campaign to promote selling flowers which featured the phrase “Treat yourself” from which I recoiled. Most of us can remember circumstances in which money was so tight

“forgive me the dollars,I liked the image!”

we couldn’t “treat” ourselves and many of us will equally well recall occasions when we lashed out for a £5 bottle of wine or some reduced daffs, and promptly felt better. I have stood in the darkness of a winter evening wondering if I should really buy whatever it is (I am talking about change of £10 which for long tracts of time was a sizeable amount to me) before deciding yes or no. And of course when you haven’t got it is when you want to spend it most.

It was my mother who taught me about “a Christmas present for yourself.” In her case it was almost always her favourite cologne or her preferred brand of stockings – which tells you how long ago that was ! I have often bought a Christmas present for myself but I never thought of it as a treat. If somebody else gives you a treat, it’s fine – if you do it for yourself, it seems sort of sneaky.

“Treat” has becomes aligned with that old saying “everything you really like is either immoral, illegal or fattening.” Immoral ? An affair with a married person, in the widest interpretation of the term. Illegal ? Unlikely. Fattening ? Don’t very often think about it. My mother’s father brought his children up to eat in a very enlightened way, she passed on to my sister and me and it has certainly served me well. I remember reading in a Nigel Slater cookery book “when you’re eating alone, set the table prettily and light a candle.” My kind of treat. It works. Calories ? Fuel for the machine. No fuel ? No function.

This week I recalled to a friend how a masseur rescued me in the terrible painful months after my marriage broke up. I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep and when I got to 70 hours plus without closing my eyes, I grew frightened. I had interviewed this woman. I got in touch with her school and asked if somebody could come to see me. She herself arrived . Slightly stunned, I let her in and she administered the massage of my life, everything, my head through my hair, all the awkward places, with perfect propriety and great skill. I remember fading into the endless billowing gentle waves of heavenly peace, and hearing the front door click shut. I slept 16 hours. When I came to, I rang somewhat embarrassed and she said “There is no charge, Anna. You were in pain.” Now that’s a treat.

What you may discover with a treat that is consumer durable ie a garment, a piece of jewellery, some cherished object, is that more than being a treat, it is a talisman. It tells you something about yourself. And that change takes place as soon as you own it. Maybe it becomes less important because you no longer yearn for it, you have it. Or maybe it just becomes part of your self image.

But a treat you share is different again. Neither Wal nor I have a much of a sweet tooth. He could live on smoked salmon and I am a fruit bat. But offered dessert after the lunch from heaven in Paris recently, we found a pudding made up of pieces of day old kugelhopf turned over in butter, with small green gold plums and cream. We shared a portion. He sent me a picture of it yesterday, asking “Remember ?” I put it with my treasures.