His first marriage lasted years until it became clear that his ex wife was an alcoholic
(by which time God knows what damage was done to the children) and he ( a high achieving businessman, no fool) had a nervous collapse, was hospitalised for three months and had some therapy.
His second wife was a joy and died of cancer. His beloved dog died of the same cancer and then he met Marian (not her real name). A challenging funny relationship ensued. She had a daughter from an earlier marriage, was retraining after years as an academic to be a teacher. He loves a project and this was a project with companionship – and yes that’s the polite way of saying sex.
And he married her.
If he had mentioned that to me, I would have jumped up and down and screamed. Too soon too soon, why why, whose idea was this ? No fool like an old fool. Marriage does not necessarily make everything wonderful. It mostly sets new challenges. You don’t know enough about her. (Keeping utterly private and away from him my doubt, my queries, my cynicism – heard this story before and I don’t like the ending. A dear friend and his partner learned the hard way that civil partnership, like marriage, awards a 50/50 split: you may have done it for tax reasons but the law is the law. so now we have two people unhappy in a different way, still in the same house and I bet the dogs have headaches.)
When I didn’t hear from him over Christmas, I thought he was busy. He is very active in the Church, singing, administration, devoted. So I wrote in the New Year by which time we all knew somebody who had been unpleasantly ill, and back came his synopsis of a nasty story in which significantly his priest who knows the lady from church, has offered to help. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.
At best you learn about yourself and not all of that is pleasant. At worst you don’t learn which is even worse. And nobody knows how the private relationship functions, what you or I would have seen as an amber light, or even a red one. And Marian is retraining to be a teacher !!! Oh I do hope the vetting procedures tighten up soon.
In marked contrast a talented masseur was recommended to me and she comes to the house. I don’t think I have anything particularly amiss in that direction except bed rest and the silver linings that brought are nails on every finger – first time for years – and marked amelioration of arthritis. Anyway, I like her, she’s affordable, she came.
Wonderfully straight forward, she was born in South Africa and is gay. Fine. Yesterday she mentioned “my son”. I said “So you were married ?” No. She decided she wanted children. She went through the not unusual experience of failed fertility treatment, relationship breakdown under her insistence that this was what she wanted, but eventually she got twin sons who have magnificently Biblical name so I shall call them Cain and Abel which they are not.
They’re ten and she loves them. She talked about them a little – and I realized that although I know of this, this was my first direct experience. And it was good in every way as far as I could see. Her mother (her parents are long divorced) in a care home in SA helped, her mother’s closest old friend (clinical psychologist) made contacts here, it was positive. Uplifting.
I am not yet ordinarily mobile and I miss the people I meet at the bus stand, in the shops, on the street but it is clear that that front door of mine is only the one door. Other doors remain very much open – as do my ears, as does my heart.
However widely on line relationships are accepted, I am old school, yes, and old. I want to see you, look at your skin and what you do with your hands when you are talking, using all those human antennae for which I have such admiration – not because they are always “right” but because they are always useful. I’ve never seen a door as other than a way in.
Annalog 