misstep

Yesterday (our meeting postponed by various occurrences on her side and mine) my son’s partner gave me a scented candle she had bought for my birthday three months ago.  I am not big on the idea but encounter them individually.  She and her older daughter conferred about what the smell reminded them of and mentioned a town in Sicily

where they had lived.  It is the  last name of an old  friend .

This morning I read an interview with James Ellroy whose troubles haven’t derailed his talent, and there was a paragraph about his most recent book (The Enchanters) which features “a real life Hollywood private eye “ whom I had  brief but meaningful acquaintance with at the beginning of my determination for any job other than secretarial.   I still shrug away from the word journalist because I remember years in which I was told over and over again that I wasn’t really a journalist.   I have never known what that meant, what I tried to do and failed at, by other people’s reckoning.    It shook me.  I don’t think I thought I was a journalist but I think I thought I was trying for what we might call the hoop – some sort of acknowledged working role.  

This morning I couldn’t write.   I pushed ideas around in my head, like unexplained items with the toe of your shoe.   I could plead the heat. I was stupefied.  I wasn’t going to meet anybody on the bus because nobody rode a bus in London who didn’t have to – they are airless   I didn’t have to work. There is no deadline, no boss.    I do it because I do it.  Unlike the wonderfully talented  caricaturist Quentin Crewe who draws almost like breathing,  I don’t write all the time, I talk preparatory to writing.

Every so often somebody asks why don’t I do a book about … and you have only to look at the  background to The Salt Path to know why I don’t.   It’s 20 years plus since I met with a publisher and while of course there are exceptions and generalisations are pretty meaningless, it’s only got worse.   There is no book I would go through for that.   We publish far too many books a year – think about the trees and the paper! – and I don’t want to publish tosh.

Today is the birthday of Simone Veil,

one of my few heroes.   Now, that’s a life.    I suppose it is inevitable that as you get older you wish occasionally that you had done more and better – though sadly to do better in media requires commitment by the people round you – and it may not be there, colleagues or employers.

Most of the time I am passionately grateful for the life I have had, professional and personal. For the most part, I can look my shortcomings in the face.  I ask other people to do it, it’s only fair that I should do it too – though that attitude to life inevitably leads sometimes to doubt and even despair.   Some people can’t live like that – I learned that late but I learned it.

I could tell you about what I am reading … but then not everybody is as in love with the printed word as me.  And you can only talk to people when you can talk to them.   I have to make that happen for you by a combination of sweat and the grace of heaven we call writing. 

The connections fascinate me, like the town of Lipari and the fixer Fred Otash, with which I began.  Then I have to make them interesting if not fascinating for you and today, I don’t think I can.

By next week, I shall have had the first of two important appointments (they were all important) at Moorfields Eye Hospital.   Perhaps we shall be able to breathe and I shall have lived through doubt long enough to try again.

Readers have always surprised me by what they do and don’t respond to.  A lot of people are away on holiday and I enjoy feedback which means I suppose that I am terribly old fashioned: I prefer the illusion of dialogue to the desperation of “putting it out there”.  If that’s for you, it’s for you.  I will try again next week.    

…oops! My ‘wonderful hands’ is going away and I shall not be filing until the beginning of the week commencing 28^th July.  Just think, I may recover!