Tag Archives: love

breathing

A word of praise for the BBC. 

 Not only are they rerunning Hetty Wainthropp Investigates but so far,  they are doing it in order.   This is  rare.  The schedulers usually throw in any old episode of a long series for the mugs who pay the license fee and use terrestrial tv.  The contempt is that the audience won’t notice the difference. 

Everybody is different.  Pushed to define why this series appeals to me,  I’d fall back on the writing.  Which recently contained a better written version of “You’re breathing – do something with it.” 

With the back injury I recently described, my reading was limited to chunks of serious journalism.  I didn’t always agree with it, but it made me think. 

My father’s maxim was “learn something every day” – ie  do something with your life. I am only describing what I do because it is available to me.

In this late phase of my life, I was always  hearing about people who  did so much, who accomplished and travelled and signed up for extra mural degrees.  I read, again my father teasing “read , mark, learn and inwardly digest.” 

It’s not useful to say I don’t care what Donald Trump says. 

Presidential blurt is driven by all sorts of input, much of which we can only guess at, but he is the President of United States.   Because he can speak in an accessible way,  it doesn’t follow we like what we hear, as Europe learned at Davos – not just the political figures, all the economic ones whose attendance we so often forget – bankers and investors and business.   But it was a wakeup call.   The American Dream is over.  

Various chasms yawn at various feet

– it won’t be the same for everybody.  Keep calm and carry on looks great on a tea towel but the application is GBCute  if we are not going to look at the wider implications and get to grips with them.  The more I read about politics, the less I like it – but I don’t like it (them?) any better anywhere else.   

In the 50s/60s series based on Simenon’s Maigret which runs on Saturday night TPTV, Maigret says to his wife “Politics – dirty word my dear – excuse me.”   It’s like cleaning lavatories. 

Unpleasant, but somebody has to do it. 

And of course ego is involved.  It usually is. I long to be a more useful person.  This week for example, I would like to make people laugh.  I love to make people laugh.  And I accept that a great part of  daily  journalism is to do with distraction – “how I learned to love my body at 44 “ (not a moment too soon),  “I’m a lustful 90” (I don’t care ), Traitors and why Alan Carr is a national treasure (oh spare me!)

I recently began to think about all the  “modern” things that have bypassed me

ie microwave, mobile phone (until recently, still don’t use it), tablet, leggings, white pointed toe shoes (and other outer aberrations like false eyelashes like fences, big lips, plastic bosoms and preformed butts).   The couturier Valentino may be dead but glamour lives. I have never sent a text.  I don’t know what an app is.  I do know that yesterday I met a woman half my age looking for a particular thing in the supermarket and I said “You could probably get it on line”.  “I don’t want to go on line” she said.  “Not for clothes, not for food, not for anything.”  I nearly cheered.  

Making use of breathing means I am living in my life.  It is not over there somewhere,  waiting as at a bus stop for further rehearsal.  This is it.

While acknowledging the use of occasional delivery, I do not want to live inside my home, pressing buttons and I don’t want to live life outside  my house at one remove ie screen filtered.

Allowing for all the bad news, which is sadly as much the attitude of reporting news media (it’s the way they currently do it) as what is happening , I like my life.  I am not big on regret. 

I am capable of meltdown (you should have seen me one day last week) but I get through.   Still breathing.

New Year Proper

What I mean is,

when you have got over too much to eat, too much to drink, put away extra  crockery/bedding/toothbrushes, Aunty Betty has finally got the car out of the way so you can stop fretting about what you are going to do when somebody wants to go to work/take the kids to school etc and you really don’t want another family negotiation for 12 months.  And the first bills have arrived.

At 9 I didn’t know what irony was

but I remember my father calling up to my mother in a sepulchral tone “Gas is out …” pause “No post” …  pause “ Dog’s still not home” and wondering why the grownups laughed when I said “Happy New Year, Daddy!”

Last week Pam the Painter asked  “What’s existential ?”   and I said  “I don’t know.”   “Gosh” she said, “I don’t think you have ever said that before”  so I explained – I don’t know how to use it so I don’t use it, and asked why she didn’t look it up on line ? “Because” she said “it will tell me what AI thinks… ”   ah yes. 

In trying to find out whether Waitrose was open on New Year’s Day, the  AI summary said no, but the entry for the branch I wanted said yes.  I rang the store.  They were open.  Maybe AI stands for Approximate Information.

And when we have finished giving all sorts of jobs over to it – do tell me how the unemployed are supposed to earn a living – or shall we all be nourished by a different kind of injection by then?

Whether it is my generation or my personality or both, I am repelled by the over simplification of losing weight – and only now are the informed beginning to talk about what you do afterwards?  How long can you take the drugs? 

How will you look?  What will it do to you?

A friend is using them carefully in accordance with a much  altered food intake and regular checkups. Though she says it will be slow, she looks wonderful.   While another  said “If you don’t alter what goes on in your mind and understand why you eat what you eat, you can do anything you like – it will always come back.”  There are many books written on obesity and I am not going there but at 21 I worked for a man who administered a daily shot, doubled on Saturday to get you through the weekend given alongside a very carefully managed diet: and those who stuck to it, did brilliantly  – like Miss Flynn in a size 14 dress, a plain woman made radiant by liking herself so much better.  After 60 years, the modern edition is cheaper and more accessible – but the marketing

is merciless.   

Even allowing for meteorological  catastrophizing (overstatement necessary to get even passing attention) Storm Goretti promised trouble in the midst of which a contributor was heard to say “And we are asking people not to climb mountains tomorrow “ because, if they do and get into difficulty, somebody else has to risk life and limb to rescue them.       

I don’t know which I like least – the  build up to Christmas or the extended few days to New Year and  beyond – but this year it was all through a filter of pain – big little word –

and I don’t mean discomfort.  I mean couldn’t bend, couldn’t walk much, couldn’t sit much, truly incapacitated.  But hooray for the osteopath and doing as I was told, Thursday 8  January was the first painfree day since  27 November – partly to do with  injury and partly to do with age.  So that was New Year for me.  

But you always learn something – I learned how much I take  for granted  – small movements, cherished freedoms …  It concentrates the mind quite wonderfully when you can’t sit in the structurally chosen writing chair and getting on and off the loo is a time consuming challenge.  

I learned to wait, ideally breathe and wait.  I drew heavily on whatever and whoever was offering whatever support.  I learnt to be rather than to do and breathe and count my blessings. 

So – this is the beginning of New Year Proper – hell on wheels so far but here we go.

always personal

I married twice, the first time (25 through 30) to a film maker (his term) who fell in love with film at the IDHEC

in Paris.   I have an idea of why I married him (he asked, for a start) but I have no idea of why he married me.  And when I up and quit, his principal response was that he did not like being second in any decision. 

Very early on in our time together, he took me to see the films of Jean Luc Godard.  

  Eight of them in five days.  He spoke fluent French, I watched and listened and paid attention.  In the Euston Road afterwards, I asked him please, to explain why this work was so important.  He said “Any fool can see …” I should have known then.  Because I couldn’t.

In the BBC common practice,  the film named in English as Breathless was shown at the weekend.  And it will rerun next week.  My tv and film crib sheet often offers  a couple of well placed lines – amusingly  tart, covering the basics.  I once wrote and complimented  whoever was involved and received a response from the editor.  This time around  it says”… gloriously cool  film” and I knew  what the problem was.

I was never cool. 

Never have been. Longed to be.  Hoped that if I understood it, I might at least aspire.  But not a hope.  Trying to look up  “cool” online is  funny.   There are so many bits and pieces from conventional usage to modern variations which make me feel I am not speaking my own language.  I knew I missed that boat  and became involved in my  choices, what I thought. Hang cool.

The man behind the film began as a critic.  Dislocation number two.  I read critics for information to help me make up my own mind. 

I have seen a lot of the now deceased Franco-Swiss eminence’s other  films and I like them all better than this  breakout number, now listed as one of the greatest films ever made, which my then new and admired husband declined to explain to me.  (Childishly I want to stand on a box and shout “Who says ?”)

It would have been a tall order, for him to explain because French  cinema at that time was remote from British and US product in more ways than through language.   “A different inheritance” would have been a nice phrase to start with, which would have eased the feeling from the  exchange that  I was just thick.

A dear friend rang last night to say she was going to watch

and I haven’t spoken to  her  because I lasted an hour, switched off  and I didn’t care.  Positives include the actors and the camerawork  but “genius” is an overworked word generally, in any kind of artistic  endeavour, and however deeply interested in film I am, see my title: it’s always personal.

How we make  choices is fascinating.  I saw a little review of an exhibition of paintings by William Nicholson and remembered that Pam  the Painter used to love him.   When I mentioned his name, you’d have thought  he was a favourite uncle –“Oh yes” she said.  Two  different and close friends  thought I might like Notting Hill but I didn’t.  

I was brought up to be me, to find out  who that was, refine it, understand it and trust it. To this end, and he  heard nothing of it from me, one of my first husband’s oldest friends remarked to me (Michael  was in Sweden scouting locations) “You are much brighter than Michael.”  I gaped.

And apparently, it wasn’t an intellectual pass – to which I might have been susceptible, so desperately did  I want to be taken seriously.  He meant it. 

An enormous step on the road to trusting my own  judgement.

Of course I learned to say socially graceful things like “I am afraid I have never understood…” or  “What an interesting  point of view! “ but the  $64,000 interior question was “What do I think ?”  Oh I can be wrong – in spades – or miss the point but when you tell me “everybody” thinks this or chooses that, I growl quietly. There’s only me in matters of taste.  It’s always personal.

Just call me Godmother

control

Anthony  Hopkins

is a very good actor.  That’s all I need to know about him.   And in the interview in advance of a memoir (he’s 87) a thoughtful journalist doesn’t get much more. 

I read the piece once, yes, yes, and then I read it again.  Of course  AH  wouldn’t tell you if he ever had therapy.  Why would he ?  Why would anybody in public life who has drawn on the wellsprings of rejection, confusion, anger for  most of his life ?   The French say “Don’t spit in the soup.”  If this what  make things tick

for you, don’t  be seduced into analysis of it (pardon the pun). Or confession.  Control.

One of the illusions of success in any field is that you will be able to control what goes forward.  Or at the very least have  input into it. As life unspools

before you (whoever) realise that none of the stratagems in which you were encouraged to believe work,  much  beyond washing your neck and survival.  And you file what you do control under the mental equivalent of lock and key.  Not tangible lock and key of course, because a real lock begs to be undone by somebody, for one reason or another.  As my  lovely deep voiced neighbour Carly says “everybody has secrets.”   And a secret is only a secret if you tell it to nobody.  Or the one person you can trust.

We acknowledge now how out of control we are. 

  I am keeping BT’s last letter to me as evidence of  how not to write a letter, any letter, personal or professional, starting with chummy and ending with “how to make a complaint” – which they have just cancelled.   I rang.  The office is in a geographical area I know and the accents are not unfamiliar to me.  Ears still good.  And alongside the accent, the  young woman on the phone had a voice like a hysterical clockwork mouse.  And  (God forgive me) six sentences in, I put the phone down.  She rang back.  “’S BT” she squeaked. “I said “Yes, I’m sorry, I hung up.   I am familiar with the accent, I am the other end of the country, old and  you should not be doing that job.  You are unintelligible.  “  Phone down.  

That represents a life change for me.  I have been young, poor, unskilled, desperate – but you could hear me – in life, or on the phone.   That’s all the control I have. 

I had another model of different variety, same ailment re the delivery (cherished) of the newspaper I read.  Operator didn’t listen  – I was quiet and civil, promise.  On the third repetition, and her repeated unnecessary apology, I pointed out with force that (fourth time) a colleague of hers had asked me to call back if what happened October 25 ever happened again and it had, November 1.  

I know I have a “thing” about communication.  It’s been my life, from childhood with articulate accessible parents ,through the experience of being ill as a child, learning, learning, learning and some success.  Do I have the illusion that I am in control of it ?  Honestly ?  More than many.  But like a good carpenter, I am still practicing. And I still get it wrong.

Nora  who is  American, intellectually educated and capable, 24, whom I met at a bus stop said  unequivocally “I am terrified of where we now and what might happen …  The  working models my parents instilled into me don’t work any more.  There are no jobs …”

Did  anybody  – I hesitate to say  “in power” because that’s a relative term – think about masses of  lower down the scale jobs being axed ?  At that level – I lived  there for a long time – you don’t work, you don’t eat.  And it is happening simultaneously with the well educated, the skilled .  Let’s not hire them it is too much trouble. They are replaceable.   

How are we going to feed those who can’t work ?   How many good minds are shelfstacking in  outfits  themselves under hostile takeover from machines ?

Shoppers as opposed to  shopping addicts ( the first goes to buy, the second goes to spend) know  that you can’t have  what you want.  You can only have what   “they” want to sell you.   40 years ago  my mother said “You have only to like something for it to be withdrawn.”

No this is not a declaration  of mass victimhood but it is conjecture into what we control , really.   Not very much.  If the late great Aretha were singing now, the anthem would be called “Disrespect”    and we are being offered political roads lined with roses.  The problem is, none of them leads anywhere without immense cost and  whence you do not want to go.

running standing still

This is all wholly personal. 

It always has been but more than ever , just what I think.  All written in advance  because I am about to go  down the tubes  or up a flue and I wanted  to  offer something before my worst fears are recognized and accursed technology takes a bite out of me.

Likes for annalog have been absolutely heart lifting, enormous thanks.

Money runs through the hands of  Sarah Ferguson,

erstwhile wife of Prince Andrew, like water.  She has never had enough money to live as mythology suggests she might.  So , whatever the greater ramifications are, she was nice to the disgraced Jeffrey Epstein because he gave her money.   She has done a lot of things for money, most of them worked only for a short time and financial difficulties occurred, occurred and re-occurred.   No  dough.  Heaven knows what she spends it on.

The Prime Minister

may have all sorts of moral and ethical ideas about Israel and Palestine  but I suggest that recognizing  the state of Palestine was actually a sop to his younger  MPs, who want to be seen to be being effective in their first Parliament and who themselves or their constituents are largely swayed by the horrors of  Gaza.   Of course it isn’t as simple as that – but it is.  It is called realpolitik and I looked the word up before I used it.

I have  been  very interested to see two US clinical psychologists  talk a great deal of sense: one working in media and clinically (Dr. Martha Deiros Collado, who made the point about  the addiction of anxiety I quoted) and Dr. Marc Brackett who has founded a department of emotional intelligence at Yale, whose programmes are used to some small extent in this country –  and about teaching children to express and negotiate their emotions.  The Princess of Wales  rates him. 

And for both of them – in the very limited amount I have read – the elephant in the room is parents.  

We increasingly ask teachers to do what we don’t or can’t do or just don’t want to do ourselves – just as  we  all too often ask the police to act as interim medical aides or social workers – and complain mightily when  due to sheer lack of man and woman power , they can’t and won’t.

Running standing still means none of this is new.  It’s where we are.   The names  of the commentators may change and how they package their ideas may have a new title   but bottom line, this is where we are.  Both of the two I speak of   know we have to start somewhere and neither of the two I refer to think difference can be made easily.  Hooray.

President Trump has his views.   The driver on the way to hospital  was a former Afghani farmer and he talked very intelligently about mass production of food and abuse of hormones up to and including the imbalance of the genders: more women than men

because of the hormones in mass produced food, especially meat.  This is not new  but people won’t think about it.  This is not an attack on farmers, I am not a closet vegan.  But for the majority of us who like a varied diet he talked a lot of sense.  And we have to keep on talking about it because people won’t think.  Nobody can think for you, you have to do it for yourself.  

And something happened to me last week, that I have seen on film and read about  but have never experienced before.  On the bus were a couple, Middle Eastern, neither  dripping with money nor starrily  lovely.  And she was wearing a dark grey roll necked sweater.  Not £800 ‘ worth of cashmere – but it is rare to see a woman from there in a dark colour.  And we had already grinned at each other.

Getting off the bus, I said “How nice you look in that colour !  And I am old, I am  allowed to say this…” And she took my hand.  Which she held gently and lightly throughout a brief conversation with both of them.  So  for those few minutes not running, not standing still, just breathing the sweet air of kind difference – which is currently pretty rare.

last

I was so busy reading, my coffee got cold.   So when I had absorbed the best edition of the paper for a while,  I came back into focus and reheated the drink.  Can’t stand cold coffee.  And I thought all over again of the vagaries of communication – not just modern communication – communication period.

In an  age of increasing  division, there are  two nations – those  online and those not.  When we began annalog eleven years ago  – I say we  because it exists  in communication – some  kind soul wrote and said  she wished I would  be on Facebook, I had so many friends out there  … And even then I knew, just as many enemies. 

I spit on social media. 

I am sure it has uses, some of them good,  but I like my private life.  Maybe I am the last generation who will  have any grasp of the difference between public and private life , the difference between spoken and written, any sense of “haven’t you got enough problems ?  What do you need any more for ?”

In current parlance , you can get hold of anybody.  But you can’t.  You can send them a message but there is no guarantee who receives it, what happens to it or how it is perceived.   Finding a written article about Erin O’Connor

was like meeting a friend.  I did meet her once in the street, six feet tall and colouring to die for.  I said “ Excuse me  but I admire you so much.  Please shake hands with me” and stretched out my hand.  She recognised me, we shook hands, and I told her of the early spread she had done which I kept.  She said interestedly “ But why ?   That was a long time ago  ..”  Which was  logical if you spent much of your professional life in fashion.  So  I explained:   she has a nose, I have a nose, as a definable feature we’re a group, she laughed delightedly – how you want a heroine to be.

If I were  depressed I would explain that the cost of stamps is now so prohibitive that the post will die out, or be reborn again as a private paid for service because stories about things not arriving are legion, like a Christmas card in August.   And lack of acknowledgement rules.  NOT OK.

For all those  who live through social media – even when it causes problems  (like the  12 year old quoted by a  sensible sounding clinical psychologist, who gets 200 hits

to start the day, loves them but finds the time and energy  she needs to deal with them makes her anxious) – few have any insight into the pressure.   I wonder if anxiety is as addictive as the process of using that all dominating click, while a young person would not necessarily recognise that disruption wasn’t only exciting, it was harmful.

There were always trolls, fixated people who can’t wait to be acknowledged for how they upset you. There was always somebody in any size audience and you learned to be ready and wary.  Now they have an additional credence – the message is  widely disseminated, which give sit a kind of acceptability.  I don’t accept it.

I could write a list of people I would like to be in touch with , to commend or condemn  but I have to admit  (to myself as well as the reader) that part of that  transaction is the acknowledgement.

Which is not under control.   You may write to Keir Starmer expressing concern for his response to Mandelson – not only for what  he (KS) didn’t “get” but for what Mandelson is, was and always will be – but there is no guarantee it reaches target, it is open to perception and abuse by every pair of hands through which it passes – hard copy, on the way to the bin or the shredder: electronic comment – well, how long is a piece of string ?

When I speak about communication, I mean  me to thee, thee to me.  Having written for publication for years, I accept  that the words are open to interpretation which is why I am serious about what I write,  Throw that into the public pond  – and we’re back to throwing stones into water

– the ripples go on forever.