Tag Archives: love

missing bits

I was  brought up short the other day  by  two of my young neighbours in discussion about what there was on television.  They mentioned The Secret Garden (David Attenborough’s latest) and I said “The music spoils it for me.”  But they agreed – they both liked the music. 

  And I  (cynical old bat next door but one) thought “Yes, because you are used to it.”   Grew up with it, knew no other.  But I did.  

And yesterday a friend  told me  most unsettling stories about his experience with his GP re his skin and the A&E in  a local (if you have a car) hospital, about his eye.   And he said , not for the first time, that he felt everything was changing and declining round him.  He never thought he would feel nervous walking to the tube station and going two stops to his film club.  But he missed that security.

One of the things I thought I missed was the chance  to have a column in a newspaper.  And when I came to understand the  relentlessness of  writing  copy to a standard every week, I saw too how easy it was to fall into “ a knocking piece”  – moaning or  bitching and moaning, amusing if you could manage it but otherwise  a complaint or a series of them … columnists  did it a lot, and I didn’t want to.  

The world is full of things that  make me purse my lips so I look for the ones that make me smile. I grinned at a man in his forties making his way down the bus the other day and before he got out, he said  into my ear  “You smile !   How wonderful …”

Forget Pollyanna’s “Glad Game”.  

The world is full of big bad horrible things and I am helpless in the face of many of them.   And I am  more and more aware that whatever you say, with whatever degree of  sincerity, it can be perceived, written or talked about  as the opposite.   The  explosion of every kind of media has made that worse.   Everyone has a comment to make, with or without a name attached, and people glory in the confusion.  I don’t.

You know you are old when you bought a book, read it and let it go and then miss it – and buy it again.  Which I just did (Pied Piper by Nevil Shute).    Old verities …

And the pernicious use of the word “everybody.”  

Nobody is everybody. It’s marketing hype. I emphasise  again and again that we have different tastes and  now I would add that the herd mentality – “oh everybody likes a white wedding”  – won’t spare us where we are up to.

I have never liked white weddings, not even as a young child.  

I don’t know which offends me more – the pretence or the expense.  I could write a list of performers I won’t give house room.  Alan Carr (rapidly becoming the C in BBC), with all that glub round his middle or Ant and  Deck from whom heaven deliver me.   Voices like  nails on glass and self satisfaction enough to make you throw up.   Every time I see  some  reporter on camera waving his or her hands  around, I think of  my first piece to camera in Oxford Street and the producer’s voice in my ear saying “Put your hands down, dear.   You are not a windmill !”  Where is  he now when we need him ?

I have never been to a hen party.  I don’t think I missed much. 

Let everybody have their go – I am all in favour of it from karaoke to beauty pageants, from bungee jumping to the long slog to the break in opera or acting or starring (different !) or public life.

There was a lesson to be learned from the recent US state visit of the King and Queen. 

You can make the best of yourself – and I am all for that – but you are what you are.  And if you haven’t spent time finding out about that – you are going to miss that security in the days to come. 

other people’s lives

Just because a film is old, it does not follow it is good.  What we want to watch changes,

in terms of how a film is put together as well as subject matter.  But I have had far more joy   out of Talking Pictures TV than other terrestrial stations.   TPTV knows its market and last night it promoted the return of a series I like very much with the immortal line “ back by public demand”.   You want to leap in the air and cheer!    Magical words.

Can you imagine how rewarding it might be – chastening too – if we had a some modest system of feedback

which wasn’t regulated, filtered and faffed about with just to give the powers that be our opinion on this speech or that film or that case – and somebody gave a damn?   In which feedback was regarded as important instead of just part of the process.

The old British series of Maigret, George Simenon’s detective, is so well done that I watch it every Saturday night unless  – as they say – I have a better offer.  But the French series  dominated  by an actor called Bruno Cremer

is wonderful.  

It is not about what weaponry can be used to torture and maim or the biggest budget this year in special effects – and yes, I recognize that  some of the best special effects people working are British and hooray for them.   Maigret is about  other people’s lives.

Leave to one side the writers of poison pen letters, meddlers, snooper and the self righteous – other people’s lives are often interesting

just because they aren’t ours.

I started thinking about this  because  I wondered  why I have reacted so strongly to the notion of “going back”  from school reunions onward.   And then in my mind’s eye I recalled details local to the house I was brought up in, who lived where, what I could remember about them and for a brief moment, thought about revisiting  ie going back.  And  pushed it away.  It will be  changed.  I will disturb my memories – just as 10 years of  holidays in Crete stand.  I am not going to revisit – it will be changed and I want to remember it as I knew it. 

But I am  self evidently interested in other people from formal history to personal.  My friend Denning who  because he is a wonderful listener is often the recipient of stories – as  am I  – and we occasionally  say to each other  “Oh Lord, other people’s lives !”   But  you couldn’t say they weren’t interesting.  This person stayed in a horrible home while that one packed a bag, took whatever they could scrape up and left.  Gone. 

No going back.  Another life.

A couple of years ago in a candid conversation (they didn’t  “know” me and I didn’t “know” them) I sat with young neighbours by their invitation on my birthday and somebody asked me what I did when I worked.   I explained the radio station and the programme which established me and how I hated to have it or  what we used to call “problem pages” trivialized (a) because it matters to somebody and (b) because in amongst the ordinary stories, were some extraordinary ones. 

They pressed me.  I don’t need much pressing.  So I spoke about the man and his wife who could not  heal after the death of their nine year old daughter,  and non consummation.  Which I had to explain.  They asked intelligent questions.  And I pointed out that that kind of exchange remains rare.

My mother would have said  it was merely good manner not to ask questions, to wait to be told.   I might have rephrased that to “you open the door, I’ll walk through it”  bearing in mind that on radio, there were  certain things which for reasons of legality or responsibility were  better not broadcast  – because you don’t know who is listening. In all senses of that phrase.

But how people reach decisions, what they decide to do  and do, or don’t  and how that plays out remains fascinating,

one of the great mysteries. What is logical to one remains utterly unreasonable to another.   Decisions you or I see as inevitable are unreached.   What people suffer, impose on others or don’t learn from is an endless lesson – not in a book or on a course but  all round us – other people’s lives from which we learn or don’t and muddle through.  

From everything I have read, George Simenon was at best odd and at worst unpleasant.  His output was formidable.  My minor addiction to the major creation of his detective Maigret comes from  18 of his written mysteries – with one overriding common denominator: other people’s lives.

Aldous Huxley said “…ultimately unknowable”

just me

I just had

a birthday  to which friends rallied, sent wonderful cards,  flowers, called (even from Milan and Portugal –  thrilling) and I started off laughing aloud in the kitchen as  the coffee heated a t 6.00 am (Pam the Painter’s card).  My son came to supper (apart from loving him, I like my son) and I  tripped on a shoelace and fell , banging my head and full weight under my body on my thumb – not broken thank heaven.   And not drunk – clumsy.   

We were  drowning in cake (the Italian Columba, dove shaped

and M&S Lemon Drizzle) and even lousy  television programming turned up the goods starting with  David Attenborough’s treatment of wildlife in a British garden – not my garden, impoverished  by the Peabody light which has now been on 24/7 for three years repelling everything that isn’t underground – and anyway tiny,  or yours, if you have one.  A socking great expanse in Oxfordshire, the desmene of a very old house (nearly 1000 years).   Fascinating and quite lovely.   But oh the music…

Look, if it really is my BBC – that sententious boring  campaign  (“Everything we do is because of you”) – can  we have  some input to it ?   In my favourite tv column every week, I read complaints about music.  It  disturbs perception.  Why do you think they put it in supermarkets ?    Here is the choice – don’t watch: put it on mute or turn the sound up and down because you’d like  some of the voiceover: or suffer.

I’ve got to the stage when a whole programme with very little music is a triumph.  Old films are often very good for soundtrack  without music.   I respect  Attenborough’s work and life and ability but not enough to put up with  an hour of being cued into emotions.  It’s insulting.

Stop telling me how terrible it is to be overly dependent on your smartphone

– yes you know it negatively  influences those younger than you and the young suffer all kinds of social and mental maladaptation as a result.  That’s if they have survived the latest toy giving  which is basically tablet before teddy bear – and no, I don’t mean pills.   But you are addicted…

I don’t have  a smartphone.    I loathe the concept of the mobile phone.  24 hours a day availability to me sounds like madness by invitation. 

  My ex husband told me  he could not have built his eventually very  successful business without the phone in the car and I understood. But how we have gone on from there terrifies me.  And the unholy alliance and crossover from screen to  phone and the idea of social media … no no no. Switched off from Facebook on 

 Defining my life choices by what any number of strangers says sounds suspiciously to me like asking an audience of couple of hundred for clothing and style advice.   Wouldn’t contemplate it.  Start from a different place.  Me.  

a sense of self

My shape, my needs, my interests, my weaknesses, my  choices (lots of quiet and white hair).   And every day, almost without exception, out of that security, I meet people, talk to people, cherish exchange and have  such good experience that it sets me up for one more day sharing a world with the madman Trump.   Because, be sure, that’s hard to live with.

I could list my pleasures  though they are only ever mine.  I could tell you truthfully that having  enjoyed remarkably  reliable health for many years, two years of on/off health problems, complicated  by the unavoidable advance of age from which no diet/lifestyle/heritage will insure you though luck,  good choices and a few  bob may help – that’s been lessons.  In multiple.

I am delighted and grateful  that the NHS finally came through for me  vis a vis my eye, and in the persons of two such kind and competent technicians.  But I regret bitterly the hooha I went through for 3 months. 

I  cheered for the piece on Sir Jim Mackey new chairman of NHS  England whos e strategy seems to be to do with thought not money.  I read a book I liked so much I bought copies for friends (Operation Heartbreak) though I know that recommending books or films or any other kind of art is a risk because you like what you like. 

But you won’t know what you like if you  constantly defer to what some devil you don’t know is thinking. Maybe AI is an abbreviation that really stands for Anti Social Intercourse. Or maybe it stand for Absolute Inanity. 

It’s all right. Just me.

shining

through not round

Upon writing annalog – which I still define as writing copy and most others refer to as a blog –  I wonder whether I am writing for you or for me.   Often and mostly, it’s both.  But I have written stuff, read it and thought – well that’s what I want to write – and then had unexpected feedback or I have written what I thought would appeal to you as well as me and the silence has been deafening. 

I have written before about the wonders of the subconscious mind

– and- in all humility about trying to begin – my phrase is  “to find a way in.”  Above and  beyond the list of things we all have to worry about in the wider world, we all have troubles from the small to the considerably larger and we have different ways of dealing with them.

People  talk about “getting round” a problem.  I commit myself to going through.  This is not because I am better or brighter or tougher, it’s because it works as a philosophy better for me.  It involves making a decision

and taking at least some of the responsibility for the fallout.

We have different levels of power and influence in the making of decisions.  We are different people, we experience things different ways.  

With my anxiety level rising unevenly through 3 months – which is a long time to feel powerless in a personal situation –   I could tell you a long unhappy story about my latest round with he eye hospital.  I have written about Moorfields before ( eg annalog/shruti and the tiger, and others)  always with praise and appreciation.  This latest round has come as a shock to me and a shock that goes on being shocking.

Friends have said I should write about it.  I am not sure.   It risks being a whine – hell, it is a whine.   On several different levels.  But I am near moving on, towards through.   Better an account of that, than the misery of not knowing.

The news media recounts with more and less clarity the ongoing destruction of various wars. 

All of the people involved don’t know.  If they are among the decision makers, they only know  this  decision or that.  Whether it will be positive or not,  they do not know, cannot know.  How or what they decide will play out and what the effects – short, medium and long term – may be remains unknown too.   You will notice a conspicuous lack of names in this writing – we all know the names, we have different feelings about them, but they are the major players, the rest of us exist in varying degrees of powerless, and we wait.

Alongside, the international and national political situation, there have been several books about human pain,

how it is perceived, what it really is, how the current impact of Big Pharma and its witchy pills makes them a fortune and leaves us further powerless.  I remember how people latched on the idea of a name for what ailed them, in the hope that if you could name it, you could treat it and thus banish it.  It works sometimes but not always and we are endlessly told the names of things in the superstitious hope that that will ease the pain perhaps or improve the predicament. 

Pain is part of the human experience, physical, psychological and they are often interrelated.   If you can’t feel pain you are in another kind of trouble.   No signal that something is wrong – again, in the mind or the body or both.    And you can misread the lack of signal as badly as you can a signal – and get it wrong.

And the most experienced doctors  can get it wrong too.

There is endless diagnosis of where we are up to in the history of the world

  – pages of intelligent and informed writing about the countries that are involved, how and why, what it may mean, how it will play, and on the world stage too often, the answer is war.

I can’t go to war with the NHS and the eye hospital.  What I learned is nowhere to fight.   Friends have been generous and supportive.   I have to go through this.    

Really?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy !

It’s only taken  40 odd years  for me to get there and find myself named in the same sentence as Helen Mirren and Meg Ryan.  How I laughed!

40 years ago I was interviewed by a journalist called Andrew Billen for the London Evening Standard,

in connection with something I was doing on tv.  I can’t remember what and unless it was something of particular interest, I will have done my best, taken the money and gone home.  I remember something of what I wore and certainly where we met. 

Mr. Billen didn’t like me.  I made the mistake of trying to talk him into it, as in “go on, you do really”,  and  probably bored him.   When the  piece was published, he referred to me as being  “almost asexual.”  I am not sure after all this time about the “almost”  but I am certain about the asexual. 

And I was quite put out.

Sex and sexuality had been one of the few securities of my life.  Now apparently that was up for question.

When I spoke to the my endlessly thoughtful manager,  she asked what had happened and I told her what I have just written – that he didn’t like me and I got my response wrong.  And we discussed why I did that and what I must learn from it.  End of.  In those days, old newspapers wrapped chips.

So on Friday morning all these years later, Andrew Billen wrote a piece about the upcoming chat show of Claudia Winkleman, in which he referred to what a tricky beast the chat show is with reference to those who failed, those who succeeded and those who didn’t get a look in – writing “Even the naturals stumble.  Parkinson’s old school chauvinism bombed with several female guests.  Helen Mirren, 

Meg Ryan and the agony aunt Anna Raeburn (he jocularly asked her “your place or mine?” only for her to remind him that he was married).”

I am so glad I had my youth when I did.  Just for the record Mr.Billen, I didn’t find Parkinson anything as much as enormously able and professional.   I didn’t see that interview  in which I am the spam in the sandwich between Rod Hull’s fabulously malevolent emu

and the wonderful Billy Connolly until it was rerun a couple of years ago.  And I wouldn’t have seen it then had not Pam the Painter suggested with some force that I did.

Parkinson behaved beautifully to me, his manner was his manner – and he was good.  He made us all shine. You can disagree with  somebody profoundly but there is a place for the fight – and it wasn’t in my judgement on a night when I had a terrific time.  And it shows.  The thing that most  impressed me, watching 50 years later, was how happy I was.

In the Winkleman piece, I am thrilled to have been mentioned in the same breath as Mirren –  a year younger than me and a very very good actress – and Ryan,

a mere stripling in her late sixties and a very good actress – but don’t infer any sense of late stage generosity.  I was in the clip that came up next when Mr. Billen was looking through background on chat shows.

I have been thinking a lot about my mother recently.  When I was a child and turned up panting with the whichever dog was current, she’d say “What’s the matter with you ?  Think you missed something ?”   When you’re a child, that’s curiosity.  Nowadays it seems to be the terror that you will have missed the latest trend – whether in eyebrows, speech, chins or clothes –  and thus your chance at being  “in”.

If I had rung her about the Evening Standard, she would have dismissed it.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t.

My mother, whose own mother was not kind, was herself bright, penniless,  better than pretty and took no prisoners, and brought me up like that with love. .  She was never “in”.  Nor I.  I danced to a higher power.  She did it her way and I did it mine and her way was a big contribution to the possibility of even a corner of the overcrowded public and media world. 

Everybody in public life  – which means any life – is misunderstood or misrepresented once in a while.   You get on with it   You live.  And I did.

you can dream…

Do you think if I feel absolutely wretched with streaming cold, I could dance like Gene Kelly? 

One of my favourite  film  moments is  when he dances in the pouring rain to the title song of Singin’ in the Rain.  Somewhere along the line I read that he had a temperature and so on, but the show must – and did – go on.

Sadly my guardian angels don’t do swaps.  You get what you get.   So the only dancing is my fingers on the keys.

Generalisation

is I suppose inevitable but I prefer it tempered,  as in qualified by  “most” or  “many” or even “it seems that…”  I loathe hate and detest  “all men” just as much as I detest  “all women”.  You couldn’t possibly know them all, don’t be silly.  So though historically, though men are heavier, stronger and more aggressive and had to be for the race to survive, from Eve on, women were part of the way we live too.

So this week – drowning in images of the current President and his yeasayers, I looked to the distaff sides and found small  goodies.

Reese Witherspoon

was apparently less than keen on  acting and now has a successful career as a producer.  Her daughter is beginning to make headway as an actress.  To quote RW  from a podcast I haven’t heard “ better to pursue your talents rather than your dreams.”   I was really struck by this. 

If you are the sort of person who will only know if you prove it to yourself that what you want won’t happen, I can see following your dreams.  Though a very average  5 ft 4ins (sorry, metric free zone), slim enough but not wand thin, I wanted to be a model. 

Marie Lise Gres

My mother bless her chased up hard earned money to let me attend a short modelling course where I was kindly disbused of any hope I had in that direction.  I emerged and got on with life.  I would like to think I reimbursed  my mother but I  bet  she waved it away..

However lesson absorbed.  Never mind all that warbling about  impossible dreams – live the possible ones.   And I did.  And you learn – not always slowly or easily  – but you do learn.  I used to hesitate about explaining I worked for a women’s magazine in case it sounded exclusive of men.  And then I was told, more than once, that men read those publications to learn about women.   

I learned too that though John Wayne

might be quoted as saying “Men are men, and women are women, and I can’t think of a better arrangement”, life was actually  quite a lot more complicated and various than that, and this was long before apparently compulsory  discussion about gender and choice and hormonal knitting patterns. Men and women were very different one from another, via enlightenment, personal experience, education and personality.  And they were all people.  Some you liked, some you wanted to biff in the ear – and not always divided along lines of gender.

You may not be old enough to remember that a faction felt that feminism was a misled idea because women didn’t like other women. 

Let me be the first to argue that there are women – as well as men – I don’t want to eat with.  Duplicity and ill manners and worse are not gender specific.   You learn to pick your fight and how to fight, and when to give in, when to quit and when to shout hooray.

As a woman writing about the Tate Modern  show for Tracey Emin

did last week.   Apart from being a really helpful overview |(good ? bad ? irrelevant ? I didn’t know) it showed you a woman who did what she wanted to do – she made art and put her money where her mouth is –  into a rundown seaside town where she created an art school and a training kitchen and café for the long term unemployed.  “I live art, work art, facilitate other people to do art” she is quoted as saying.  “I have come home.”  62 years old, followed her talents.  Know your dreams for what they are – dreams -and don’t confuse them with realities. 

breathing

A word of praise for the BBC. 

 Not only are they rerunning Hetty Wainthropp Investigates but so far,  they are doing it in order.   This is  rare.  The schedulers usually throw in any old episode of a long series for the mugs who pay the license fee and use terrestrial tv.  The contempt is that the audience won’t notice the difference. 

Everybody is different.  Pushed to define why this series appeals to me,  I’d fall back on the writing.  Which recently contained a better written version of “You’re breathing – do something with it.” 

With the back injury I recently described, my reading was limited to chunks of serious journalism.  I didn’t always agree with it, but it made me think. 

My father’s maxim was “learn something every day” – ie  do something with your life. I am only describing what I do because it is available to me.

In this late phase of my life, I was always  hearing about people who  did so much, who accomplished and travelled and signed up for extra mural degrees.  I read, again my father teasing “read , mark, learn and inwardly digest.” 

It’s not useful to say I don’t care what Donald Trump says. 

Presidential blurt is driven by all sorts of input, much of which we can only guess at, but he is the President of United States.   Because he can speak in an accessible way,  it doesn’t follow we like what we hear, as Europe learned at Davos – not just the political figures, all the economic ones whose attendance we so often forget – bankers and investors and business.   But it was a wakeup call.   The American Dream is over.  

Various chasms yawn at various feet

– it won’t be the same for everybody.  Keep calm and carry on looks great on a tea towel but the application is GBCute  if we are not going to look at the wider implications and get to grips with them.  The more I read about politics, the less I like it – but I don’t like it (them?) any better anywhere else.   

In the 50s/60s series based on Simenon’s Maigret which runs on Saturday night TPTV, Maigret says to his wife “Politics – dirty word my dear – excuse me.”   It’s like cleaning lavatories. 

Unpleasant, but somebody has to do it. 

And of course ego is involved.  It usually is. I long to be a more useful person.  This week for example, I would like to make people laugh.  I love to make people laugh.  And I accept that a great part of  daily  journalism is to do with distraction – “how I learned to love my body at 44 “ (not a moment too soon),  “I’m a lustful 90” (I don’t care ), Traitors and why Alan Carr is a national treasure (oh spare me!)

I recently began to think about all the  “modern” things that have bypassed me

ie microwave, mobile phone (until recently, still don’t use it), tablet, leggings, white pointed toe shoes (and other outer aberrations like false eyelashes like fences, big lips, plastic bosoms and preformed butts).   The couturier Valentino may be dead but glamour lives. I have never sent a text.  I don’t know what an app is.  I do know that yesterday I met a woman half my age looking for a particular thing in the supermarket and I said “You could probably get it on line”.  “I don’t want to go on line” she said.  “Not for clothes, not for food, not for anything.”  I nearly cheered.  

Making use of breathing means I am living in my life.  It is not over there somewhere,  waiting as at a bus stop for further rehearsal.  This is it.

While acknowledging the use of occasional delivery, I do not want to live inside my home, pressing buttons and I don’t want to live life outside  my house at one remove ie screen filtered.

Allowing for all the bad news, which is sadly as much the attitude of reporting news media (it’s the way they currently do it) as what is happening , I like my life.  I am not big on regret. 

I am capable of meltdown (you should have seen me one day last week) but I get through.   Still breathing.

New Year Proper

What I mean is,

when you have got over too much to eat, too much to drink, put away extra  crockery/bedding/toothbrushes, Aunty Betty has finally got the car out of the way so you can stop fretting about what you are going to do when somebody wants to go to work/take the kids to school etc and you really don’t want another family negotiation for 12 months.  And the first bills have arrived.

At 9 I didn’t know what irony was

but I remember my father calling up to my mother in a sepulchral tone “Gas is out …” pause “No post” …  pause “ Dog’s still not home” and wondering why the grownups laughed when I said “Happy New Year, Daddy!”

Last week Pam the Painter asked  “What’s existential ?”   and I said  “I don’t know.”   “Gosh” she said, “I don’t think you have ever said that before”  so I explained – I don’t know how to use it so I don’t use it, and asked why she didn’t look it up on line ? “Because” she said “it will tell me what AI thinks… ”   ah yes. 

In trying to find out whether Waitrose was open on New Year’s Day, the  AI summary said no, but the entry for the branch I wanted said yes.  I rang the store.  They were open.  Maybe AI stands for Approximate Information.

And when we have finished giving all sorts of jobs over to it – do tell me how the unemployed are supposed to earn a living – or shall we all be nourished by a different kind of injection by then?

Whether it is my generation or my personality or both, I am repelled by the over simplification of losing weight – and only now are the informed beginning to talk about what you do afterwards?  How long can you take the drugs? 

How will you look?  What will it do to you?

A friend is using them carefully in accordance with a much  altered food intake and regular checkups. Though she says it will be slow, she looks wonderful.   While another  said “If you don’t alter what goes on in your mind and understand why you eat what you eat, you can do anything you like – it will always come back.”  There are many books written on obesity and I am not going there but at 21 I worked for a man who administered a daily shot, doubled on Saturday to get you through the weekend given alongside a very carefully managed diet: and those who stuck to it, did brilliantly  – like Miss Flynn in a size 14 dress, a plain woman made radiant by liking herself so much better.  After 60 years, the modern edition is cheaper and more accessible – but the marketing

is merciless.   

Even allowing for meteorological  catastrophizing (overstatement necessary to get even passing attention) Storm Goretti promised trouble in the midst of which a contributor was heard to say “And we are asking people not to climb mountains tomorrow “ because, if they do and get into difficulty, somebody else has to risk life and limb to rescue them.       

I don’t know which I like least – the  build up to Christmas or the extended few days to New Year and  beyond – but this year it was all through a filter of pain – big little word –

and I don’t mean discomfort.  I mean couldn’t bend, couldn’t walk much, couldn’t sit much, truly incapacitated.  But hooray for the osteopath and doing as I was told, Thursday 8  January was the first painfree day since  27 November – partly to do with  injury and partly to do with age.  So that was New Year for me.  

But you always learn something – I learned how much I take  for granted  – small movements, cherished freedoms …  It concentrates the mind quite wonderfully when you can’t sit in the structurally chosen writing chair and getting on and off the loo is a time consuming challenge.  

I learned to wait, ideally breathe and wait.  I drew heavily on whatever and whoever was offering whatever support.  I learnt to be rather than to do and breathe and count my blessings. 

So – this is the beginning of New Year Proper – hell on wheels so far but here we go.

always personal

I married twice, the first time (25 through 30) to a film maker (his term) who fell in love with film at the IDHEC

in Paris.   I have an idea of why I married him (he asked, for a start) but I have no idea of why he married me.  And when I up and quit, his principal response was that he did not like being second in any decision. 

Very early on in our time together, he took me to see the films of Jean Luc Godard.  

  Eight of them in five days.  He spoke fluent French, I watched and listened and paid attention.  In the Euston Road afterwards, I asked him please, to explain why this work was so important.  He said “Any fool can see …” I should have known then.  Because I couldn’t.

In the BBC common practice,  the film named in English as Breathless was shown at the weekend.  And it will rerun next week.  My tv and film crib sheet often offers  a couple of well placed lines – amusingly  tart, covering the basics.  I once wrote and complimented  whoever was involved and received a response from the editor.  This time around  it says”… gloriously cool  film” and I knew  what the problem was.

I was never cool. 

Never have been. Longed to be.  Hoped that if I understood it, I might at least aspire.  But not a hope.  Trying to look up  “cool” online is  funny.   There are so many bits and pieces from conventional usage to modern variations which make me feel I am not speaking my own language.  I knew I missed that boat  and became involved in my  choices, what I thought. Hang cool.

The man behind the film began as a critic.  Dislocation number two.  I read critics for information to help me make up my own mind. 

I have seen a lot of the now deceased Franco-Swiss eminence’s other  films and I like them all better than this  breakout number, now listed as one of the greatest films ever made, which my then new and admired husband declined to explain to me.  (Childishly I want to stand on a box and shout “Who says ?”)

It would have been a tall order, for him to explain because French  cinema at that time was remote from British and US product in more ways than through language.   “A different inheritance” would have been a nice phrase to start with, which would have eased the feeling from the  exchange that  I was just thick.

A dear friend rang last night to say she was going to watch

and I haven’t spoken to  her  because I lasted an hour, switched off  and I didn’t care.  Positives include the actors and the camerawork  but “genius” is an overworked word generally, in any kind of artistic  endeavour, and however deeply interested in film I am, see my title: it’s always personal.

How we make  choices is fascinating.  I saw a little review of an exhibition of paintings by William Nicholson and remembered that Pam  the Painter used to love him.   When I mentioned his name, you’d have thought  he was a favourite uncle –“Oh yes” she said.  Two  different and close friends  thought I might like Notting Hill but I didn’t.  

I was brought up to be me, to find out  who that was, refine it, understand it and trust it. To this end, and he  heard nothing of it from me, one of my first husband’s oldest friends remarked to me (Michael  was in Sweden scouting locations) “You are much brighter than Michael.”  I gaped.

And apparently, it wasn’t an intellectual pass – to which I might have been susceptible, so desperately did  I want to be taken seriously.  He meant it. 

An enormous step on the road to trusting my own  judgement.

Of course I learned to say socially graceful things like “I am afraid I have never understood…” or  “What an interesting  point of view! “ but the  $64,000 interior question was “What do I think ?”  Oh I can be wrong – in spades – or miss the point but when you tell me “everybody” thinks this or chooses that, I growl quietly. There’s only me in matters of taste.  It’s always personal.

Just call me Godmother

control

Anthony  Hopkins

is a very good actor.  That’s all I need to know about him.   And in the interview in advance of a memoir (he’s 87) a thoughtful journalist doesn’t get much more. 

I read the piece once, yes, yes, and then I read it again.  Of course  AH  wouldn’t tell you if he ever had therapy.  Why would he ?  Why would anybody in public life who has drawn on the wellsprings of rejection, confusion, anger for  most of his life ?   The French say “Don’t spit in the soup.”  If this what  make things tick

for you, don’t  be seduced into analysis of it (pardon the pun). Or confession.  Control.

One of the illusions of success in any field is that you will be able to control what goes forward.  Or at the very least have  input into it. As life unspools

before you (whoever) realise that none of the stratagems in which you were encouraged to believe work,  much  beyond washing your neck and survival.  And you file what you do control under the mental equivalent of lock and key.  Not tangible lock and key of course, because a real lock begs to be undone by somebody, for one reason or another.  As my  lovely deep voiced neighbour Carly says “everybody has secrets.”   And a secret is only a secret if you tell it to nobody.  Or the one person you can trust.

We acknowledge now how out of control we are. 

  I am keeping BT’s last letter to me as evidence of  how not to write a letter, any letter, personal or professional, starting with chummy and ending with “how to make a complaint” – which they have just cancelled.   I rang.  The office is in a geographical area I know and the accents are not unfamiliar to me.  Ears still good.  And alongside the accent, the  young woman on the phone had a voice like a hysterical clockwork mouse.  And  (God forgive me) six sentences in, I put the phone down.  She rang back.  “’S BT” she squeaked. “I said “Yes, I’m sorry, I hung up.   I am familiar with the accent, I am the other end of the country, old and  you should not be doing that job.  You are unintelligible.  “  Phone down.  

That represents a life change for me.  I have been young, poor, unskilled, desperate – but you could hear me – in life, or on the phone.   That’s all the control I have. 

I had another model of different variety, same ailment re the delivery (cherished) of the newspaper I read.  Operator didn’t listen  – I was quiet and civil, promise.  On the third repetition, and her repeated unnecessary apology, I pointed out with force that (fourth time) a colleague of hers had asked me to call back if what happened October 25 ever happened again and it had, November 1.  

I know I have a “thing” about communication.  It’s been my life, from childhood with articulate accessible parents ,through the experience of being ill as a child, learning, learning, learning and some success.  Do I have the illusion that I am in control of it ?  Honestly ?  More than many.  But like a good carpenter, I am still practicing. And I still get it wrong.

Nora  who is  American, intellectually educated and capable, 24, whom I met at a bus stop said  unequivocally “I am terrified of where we now and what might happen …  The  working models my parents instilled into me don’t work any more.  There are no jobs …”

Did  anybody  – I hesitate to say  “in power” because that’s a relative term – think about masses of  lower down the scale jobs being axed ?  At that level – I lived  there for a long time – you don’t work, you don’t eat.  And it is happening simultaneously with the well educated, the skilled .  Let’s not hire them it is too much trouble. They are replaceable.   

How are we going to feed those who can’t work ?   How many good minds are shelfstacking in  outfits  themselves under hostile takeover from machines ?

Shoppers as opposed to  shopping addicts ( the first goes to buy, the second goes to spend) know  that you can’t have  what you want.  You can only have what   “they” want to sell you.   40 years ago  my mother said “You have only to like something for it to be withdrawn.”

No this is not a declaration  of mass victimhood but it is conjecture into what we control , really.   Not very much.  If the late great Aretha were singing now, the anthem would be called “Disrespect”    and we are being offered political roads lined with roses.  The problem is, none of them leads anywhere without immense cost and  whence you do not want to go.